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Scene 1

Gabi: I am so excited to see you tomorrow.

Cooper:  Me too. We're finally going to consummate our relationship!

Gabi: And we're gonna have sex for the first time.

Cooper:  Speaking of which, I got my S. T. D. test.

Gabi:  Ooh! You mean your "safe to do it" test?

Cooper: Yup, clean as a whistle, though whistles aren't actually very clean at all. The mouth is a haven for harmful bacteria.

Gabi:  All right. Save that for the bedroom. Well, I'm getting my test after work, but don't worry. I've only been with one person since the last time I was tested.

Cooper:  Yeah, and just casually asking, who was that one other guy?

Gabi: Uh it's not important. What is important is the next time we're together, we're gonna be together. I'll see you tomorrow.

Cooper: Though for me, with the time change, it'll actually be yesterday, in which case, we already had sex.

Gabi: (Gasps) How were we?

Cooper:  Amazing!

Gabi: Yay! (Sees Josh peeking and clears throat) Thank you, online tech support person man. Hello, Josh.

Josh: Gabi. If you have a computer problem, you can come to me. You know - The last guy you had sex with. -

Gabi: (Gasps) Were you listening to my private conversation?

Josh: Your private conversation that you were having in my kitchen - with my Internet on my laptop?

Gabi: My God, that's a good point.

Josh: So wait, you were with Cooper in China for three weeks, sharing a bed, and nothing? I knew you for less than three hours - and we...

Gabi:I know! That's why I was being careful. I mean, the last person I had sex with, it kind of ended up a big mess.

Josh: So, what I'm hearing is that no man could possibly measure up to that big (Clears throat) handsome mess.

Gabi: No, what you're hearing is me politely asking if I can leave work early and go to the clinic.

Josh: So you can get your "safe to do it 'cause you haven't - "done it yet" test?

Gabi: Yes, that's the one.

Josh: Yes, you can go, but look, you have nothing to worry about. I'm safe.

Gabi: Yeah, you are, but you know how they say when you have sex with someone, you have sex with everybody they've had sex with?

Josh: Gabi, the only other person I was sleeping with when I slept with you was Caroline. .....New plan: We're both getting tested. I'll call my doctor.

(Theme music playing)

Scene 2

Gabi: Your doctor's office is really nice. At the clinic that I go to, if you didn't have something walking in, you're gonna have something walking out. You're paying, right? Only if it's good news! (Chuckles) (Sighs) I'm sorry. I'm just really nervous. I mean this is mine and Cooper's first time. Oh God! What if I have something? That could kill the whole night!

Josh: Gabi, you're fine.

Gabi: You don't know that! I mean, and we waited such a long time, and he paid so much for the hotel room. I mean, not that he told me how much, but I definitely looked it up online. You know and he's trying to make it so special for me, and I already bought the cap and gown.

Josh: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Cap and gown?

Gabi: Oh. God, do you think it's too much? I thought it'd be really hot if I rolled up my test results like a diploma  (Sighs) - Dress up in a sexy cap and gown, get it? 'Cause we're graduating to the next level of our relationship - the sex level.

Josh: I get it. I'm trying to un-get it.

Gabi:  I'm sorry, am I saying too much? I don't know if you know this, but when I'm nervous, - I really seem to talk a lot.

Josh:  Yeah. Only when you're nervous.

Doctor: All right, I've looked over your C. B. C. CHEM-7 test panel, and checked out your S. T. I. serologic test

Gabi: oh my God! I'm dying!

Doctor: Calm down, you're both fine.

Gabi: Oh good. - (Sighs)

Josh:  Whoo!

Doctor: And may I just say, it was really responsible for the two of you to come in to be tested together. I really wish more couples were like you.

Gabi: Yay! now I get to go have sex with my boyfriend! Thanks, boss.

Josh: (to the doctor) Don't ask.

....

Coleman: Oh, Yolanda. (Both chuckle)

Josh: (sees Coleman and Yolanda kissing) Yolanda?

Yolanda:  (Chuckles) What the hell? I come get my tooth pulled, and I wake up in the hallway making out with my ex-husband? Unbelievable.

Josh: Yes, it is. Gabi, you know Coleman. He's the guy that broke Yolanda's heart by cheating on her.

Gabi: You know, normally, I'd be eating this up, but Cooper and I are having sex for the first time tonight, so bye!

Coleman: (Scoffs) Come on, Josh. Can't we just start over? If you mean you and Yolanda, no. But if you mean you and me, no. Well, then do you have another reason to be here? 


To be continued...

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